What Role Are YOU Playing in Your Relationship Breakdowns?
Remember, you’re the only common denominator...
Hey Y’all!
“I have a (some) question(s)… And don’t fight me cause I know how y’all like to tussle.”🤭
Q1: What role are YOU playing in your relationship breakdowns?
I know a lot of us may not be ready to have this conversation. It’s so easy for us to put the blame on other people as to why we aren’t experiencing relational harmony, but we really need to start taking a good, hard and honest look at ourselves and our own behavior(s).
A lot of us have a blindspot to our own character defects; our poor behavior, poor treatment of others, our unacknowledged self-righteousness, etc. Because of this, we mislead ourselves into believing that everyone else is responsible for or the cause of the problems in our relationships. We unfairly measure other people’s behaviors, actions and choices against our own, believing that our ways of being are the right and only ways to be. We then use these measurements to evaluate, approve of or disapprove of, the people in our lives.
Have you ever truly asked yourself why your relationships with family, friends, romantic partners, coworkers, etc., are in the state that they are in?
Be honest with yourself.
Everyone [else] can’t always be the problem. Sometimes it’s not them; it’s you.
Sometimes, you’re the problem.
I know that may be a bit harsh to say and just as harsh to hear. But it’s the necessary first step to getting a possibly over-inflated ego (your sense of self-importance) in check.
Disclaimer: This post isn’t for those who have an excessively deflated ego. You guys actually need to be hearing the opposite. Everything is not your fault. You are worthy. You are not always the problem. This post isn’t for you my dear. Take care of your spirit and I’ll let you know when a post is for you. Sit this post out.
But for the rest of you’s, I need y’all to tap in to this lesson.
People don’t shy away from people who have been good to them.
Q2: Do you find yourself saying things like “I do all of this (insert whatever your ‘this’ is) for people and they never appreciate it [me]”?
It’s probably because you are unaware of the hidden strings that you have attached to your giving. Truly giving people don’t make it a point to remind others of all they’ve done for them or tell other people of all that they have done for someone else. That is impression management (influencing the way others think of you). Givers give from their capacity and their overflow; not from their deficiency.
The reward for a true giver is knowing that they were able to help someone who needed it or knowing that it would make someone else happy. If your giving comes with the hidden expectation of something in return like: public acknowledgment/devotion, indentured servitude (working off their debt), or expecting someone to feel forever indebted to you—then your giving has a bunch of strings attached to it.
You can’t say that you are a giving person and then be upset when people don’t receive or show appreciation in the ways that you believe that they should.
A lot of us have a self-concept (belief of who we are) of being a better person than we actually are. This is called incongruence. Incongruence is when the person we actually are (and how we are perceived by others) is contradictory to the way that we think about ourselves and believe that we are.
Q3: Do you believe and say you are one way while behaving in ways that totally contradict the person that you believe yourself to be?
You can’t say that you are a family person, while gossiping and speaking poorly of your family, sharing personal details about other family members without their permission, and or perpetuating/instigating drama among family members.
That’s not how a “Family” person behaves.
If you want better relationships with people; love, attention, affection, companionship, etc., then you should try exhibiting more prosocial behaviors that are rooted in altruism. This doesn’t mean that you are entitled to these things just because you have done something of significance for someone else.
Q5: Do you monitor the energy (your energy) that you bring with you?
You may not realize that you’re really a drag to be around or that you expect everyone else to micro-manage and/or cater to the emotional experience that you are having by expecting them to always be aware of the way you are feeling in certain situations and environments.
People with healthy boundaries for themselves aren’t inclined to sit with others in their misery (not to be confused with grief). Nor do they want to be saddled with the responsibility of managing your emotional experience for you because you don’t understand that it is your own responsibility to manage your experience.
One way to do this is by learning to recognize and correct your poor thinking.
People with healthy boundaries don’t want to hear for the umpteenth time how badly you have had it, when you have yet to attempt to correct your thinking in regards to your issues. When you mature, you should also make it a point to allow your mindset to mature by learning how to elevate and shift your perspective.
You are not always right.
Your perspective and your way of thinking isn’t always right either; especially if your way of thinking is jaded by your unhealed childhood wounds that you have yet to take responsibility for healing.
The incessant need to see only the ways that you are being victimized keeps you in a perpetual state of villainizing those around you. And when you make it a habit of villainizing other people, you feel justified in treating them poorly in return.
Your [negative] feelings and thoughts about others aren’t facts and when you navigate life and relationships from this space, you exacerbate (worsen) the divide between you and getting your needs met in your relationships.
Some of the cycles that you choose to continue in are only present because you are choosing to continue in them.
Instead of cultivating understanding, clarity, honest communication, and/or forgiveness, you are looking for an admission of guilt. And every time you don’t get the response you want, it exacerbates your negative feelings and thoughts, then you cling on even tighter to the grudge you are holding.
Ask yourself this question and answer honestly;
Q6: Who am I when no one is around that I feel I have to pretend or manage my impression for?
Q7: Would you trust someone or like being around someone like you?
Sometimes the reason you don’t trust people is because you know how you are. I hear a lot of women saying they don’t trust other women and most of the time it’s coming from women who behave in the very same ways that they say makes them not like or trust other women.
Q8: So, how can you become a better version of yourself?
The good news is, this is just behavior; and behavior can be changed. Behavior only becomes your identity when you refuse to change, when you refuse to see yourself clearly and when you refuse to correct your thinking.
Thinking influences behavior and poor thinking leads to poor behavior.
You have to make the decision that you don’t want to think or behave in these ways anymore, commit to it, and start putting it into practice.
It will take time but it can be done.
In closing, as with anything that I say, whether spoken or in writing, this is meant to serve as a conversation starter; not to make anyone feel bad about themselves—but to help each other be better to other people and become the best version of ourselves. We have to start holding ourselves personally accountable for our not-so-good behaviors and allow others to do the same.
A lot of us aren’t half bad. We just need to clear our minds of the negative thinking, get out of our own way and watch how the quality of our relationships begin to improve.
May you receive these words with the grace and love they were shared in. Share with someone who could benefit from these words!
✨KenSights
Let me know what you think in the comment section!
Listen to the latest episode of Having The Hard Conversations "Making Space for Grief" on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.