Hey y’all!
*This is a post from my archives of 2018.
Relationships REQUIRE reciprocity.
This thought just came back to me as I was sitting alone doing what I do (over-thinking and trying to mentally work through scenarios that have yet and may never present themselves).
I decided to revisit a thought I had to myself the other day.
I had this epiphany.
I don't know who I am in a relationship anymore.
I had quickly come to the conclusion that this is because I haven't been in a relationship with anyone in over 5 years (situationships included). I made a mental note to revisit this conversation with myself when I was able to get to my journal.
Journaling helps me process my thoughts and release my inner frustrations. Journaling has been a longtime, loyal friend that I can always count on to be there for me.
It was in my journaling session today that I realized that the reason that I don't know who I am in a relationship is because I don't know the person I will be in a relationship (or friendship) with.
Who I am in a relationship is contingent on who the person I'm in a relationship/friendship is to me.
Meaning that there are boundaries and limits on what I am willing to give to certain people.
I will not give the depths of my self, or the depths of my soul to those who only want to dip their toes, their fingertips, or their d*cks into the shallow parts of who I am.
I am way too much for that.
I am way more than that.
I am a sacred being. I am a sacred woman. It took some hard work and a whole lot of time to get to the place that I am in and I refuse to revert back for anyone.
I remember there was a time in my life, where I'd run down a list of who I am in a relationship, what type of girlfriend or wife I aspired to be-while simultaneously allowing the men I was involved with to grade me and rate the worthiness of my being the leading lady in their life… 🙄
I was too busy trying to assume an identity, in hopes that I would get a 'title', or be chosen, that I didn't even realize that I didn't have a definition of who I was for myself. I was waiting on the choice(s) of someone outside of myself to validate my existence and give me an identity so that I could feel and believe that I was worthy of the praise associated with these identities.
I really lacked personal boundaries back then. I didn't know what boundaries were, how to set them (for myself and others), nor did I know the importance of enforcing them.
Now I know.
I know that I can only give what I have inside to give. Now I know that if I am intentionally giving to a person that has no intention on reciprocating (giving back to me), then I am betraying myself and my own needs.
Everyone needs to be poured into. This is the nature of relationships.
The difference is there are those that keep bringing their cup back for refills, but they never return back to you with their pitcher full to help replenish your empty cup.
These are the kinds of people that enjoy eating the fruits but do very little to care for the tree that is producing that fruit.
The fountain and the tree are the source. The fountain that pours and the tree that bears and gives fruit (nourishment) are the source.
The source needs to be loved and cared for too.
Sometimes (most times), the source needs their own love more than anything. Yet, they're so busy trying to give it away to others, for the sake of reciprocity, that they don't even realize that they aren't being a reciprocal source of love for themselves.
People who truly love themselves don't allow themselves to give to the point of depletion. Allowing yourself to be depleted (in the name of love) is a prime example that you need to strengthen or set some personal boundaries.
A person that truly loves you, has love for you and a good grasp and understanding of their own personal boundaries and would not allow you, nor want you to give more than they are willing to reciprocate.
It's about having relational and personal integrity.
Of course, we don't all love in the same ways and we don't all show love in the same ways; but personal integrity is a basic standard.
Some of us have different languages that we love in, and that's ok. These different love languages require us to have a healthy sense of self (identity) and the ability to understand and implement personal boundaries; while simultaneously understanding and respecting the boundaries of others too.
I may not know much about who I will be in a relationship moving forward, but what I do know is that, I will be a great lover when that day comes. I will make an excellent partner and teacher. I will be an awesome mediator between myself, my partner and any unhealthy behavior patterns. And I know this because I've spent the last decade of my life reshaping and reframing my own unhealthy perspectives, to measure up to the standards that I require from other people. I've done the inner work to become the best version of myself, so that I can put this same kind of energy into my relationships.
I know the quality of what I have to offer. More importantly, I know that I can only give what I have available to give. Which is nothing more or nothing less than what I have to offer to myself.
Make sure you are giving of yourself accordingly. Set boundaries and requirements for yourself and for others to respect and adhere to.
Remember, Relationships REQUIRE reciprocity. Otherwise, you’re just sacrificing yourself and your needs for the sake of being in relationship.
I hope this message finds you nourished and full.
Kendra a.k.a. KenSights
Quick lil' sidebar update: Ok y’all, full transparency. I was definitely in a situation-ship since writing this that tested everything that I thought I knew about myself then. I did not keep my word to myself and I self-abandoned and betrayed on many occasions for many years of this relationship. Experience is our greatest teacher and sometimes that teacher lets us fall flat on our face... I may revisit this at a later date. But for now I had to be authentic and honest in sharing my experiences since writing this...
Have you checked out my podcast “Having the Hard Conversations”???