*Cues Diana Ross
š¶ If thereās a cure for this, I donāt want it. I donāt want it.
If thereās a remedy, Iāll run from it, from it.š¶
Hey Yāall!
How are you feeling after this past Valentineās day?
š¶ Iāve got the sweetest hangover, I donāt want to get over! š¶
I know this day can sometimes be hard for those of us who are singleā¦
Personally, Valentineās day has always been one of my favorite holidays. Iāve always loved the idea of a day dedicated to love.
This past Valentineās day led me down a path of introspection.
I wondered why I didnāt feel sad that I didnāt have anyone to celebrate Valentineās day withā¦ What I was led to, is that Valentineās day is not just a day for those who are in relationships;
Valentineās Day is for Lovers.
Lovers donāt cease to be Lovers just because they arenāt in a romantic relationship. Lovers love and show love because it is who they are and a large part of what they represent.
Valentineās day this year was a bit harder for me though. I didnāt have the money to expend like Iāve had in past years. I usually buy stuff to make goodie bags for my kids. They are older now and it didnāt feel mandatory, but it is still something that I wanted to do because I actually enjoy doing it.
As a āCertified Lover Girlā (that was a Drake pun. Did you catch it?), It gives me personal pleasure to celebrate Valentineās day as far and wide as I can.
But like I said, I went into a period of [deep] introspection. I thought about how none of my past romantic relationships materialized into the relationships that I had hoped they would be. And not only that, I thought about the fact that I have rarely gotten the love that I required (NEEDED) in any of my past relationships.
This led me to ask myself:
āHow can I love myself in ways that Iāve never been able to depend on anyone else to love me in?ā
I wouldnāt think that this question would be so hard to answer, but it is.
I actually have been becoming more aware of the fact that my emotional needs have habitually and historically gone unmet. I didnāt realize this for the longest time because of my upbringing.
I grew up an only child and until recently, I never made the connection that the themes that are and have been playing out in my romantic relationships are directly linked to themes that played out in my childhood.
As children, a lot of us arenāt aware that we even have emotional needs let alone that those needs arenāt being met. This makes it nearly impossible to identify (to yourself) that these needs arenāt and havenāt been met. In one of my journaling sessions last year, I was able to put a word to the underlying and core feeling that I hold in regards to myself and how I feel Iām perceived by those who I have been in relationships with.
Insignificant.
I feel like I am insignificant; especially in regards to other people. I meannnn, donāt get me wrong, I mean a lot to myself, I donāt want that to be mistaken. I just have had a hard time finding romantic relationships (specifically) that affirm this self-belief. As a matter of fact, most of my romantic relationships exacerbated my feelings of insignificance.
This feeling coupled with my upbringing has made for a very lonely life.
Itās a weird and wild realization for me to come to. As a child. I felt very loved. I never doubted either of my parentās love for me. Anything that I asked for, I got. And because of this, I was very busy with all of my de(vices). So busy that I didnāt demand much time or physical attention from either of my parents nor did I notice the lack of receiving it.
I wasnāt an emotionally needy child at all. I was very occupied enjoying all of the things that I had. I knew that I was lonely, but I didnāt know that my emotional needs werenāt being met. Because of this, I relied heavily on others, like my friends and romantic partners to meet these needs for me and to save me from my loneliness.
My love language is (unlimited) access and availability. Something that I never felt that I had access to, but also something that I didnāt know I needed/wantedāso I never asked for it or even considered asking for it (from my parents that is).
I wasnāt aware of my motherās emotional unavailability. I wasnāt even aware of how physically unavailable my father was during my childhood until after he diedā¦ I was 28 at the time of his death.
In my relationships, I would drop everything to be available to other people. But they rarely had that same energy when it came to me.
They just took my availability for granted, knowing that I would always be there; and they werenāt wrong. I took pride in being available. My availability wasnāt what you would call selfless either. I needed to be available in order to feel wanted, sought after, chosen, etc., itās the only way that I could tell that I had any significance to other people. This need definitely makes it hard for me to set the necessary boundaries in relationships that are lopsided and emotionally imbalanced.
Iāve always thought of myself as being low maintenance in relationships, but now I think a more accurate statement would be that I didnāt know how to choose relationships that were emotionally balanced and reciprocalārelationships where Iām not the only one who is constantly sacrificing my needs for the sake of someone elseās continued presence in my life.
So in a nutshell, this is kind of where I need to start unpacking the work that I need to be doing. Writing this newsletter has really helped me put words to some personal issues that I have been trying to name.
If I am a Lover as I say and believe that I am, then I have to be able to translate, implement and pour that love into my relationship with myself.
How can I make myself feel chosen? Or significant? Or sought after?
Ohā¦B.T. dubsss (BTW or by the way), this post was never actually about Valentineās day.
Itās about the aftermath or the hangover of Valentineās day that may have called a lot into question for us in regards to love, relationships; where we stand in our relationships; how we are recovering from past relationships; how we will show up for ourselves and another in future relationships; and how we will nurture a loving relationship with ourselves moving forward.
I hope some of my introspection, helps you with your own in regards to love. It really is āThe Sweetest Hangoverā.
With love, KenSights.š
Let me know how this weekās newsletter is resonating with you!.